The Return of the Warrior Son

I’m having one of the best mornings of my life! Outside our kitchen window the snow-covered world is beginning to look a lot like Christmas. And this is probably the best darn cup of coffee I’ve ever had! Today the headlines in the Post don’t bother me a bit. The news on the war isn’t pretty but it doesn’t seem to matter, not like it did yesterday.

An hour ago Bonnie and I got a very special letter from our son Todd, and it took nine days to get here. He’s coming home for Christmas! Bonnie was overjoyed and left the house in a whirlwind of excitement. Even as I speak, she’s out sliding around in her SUV, buying more presents and more holiday snacks, including Todd’s favorite beer. Of course she’s also getting her hair done. I must admit I wasn’t quite in the Christmas spirit – until the letter came. Ho, ho, ho!

I can’t tell you how proud I am of my son. Not long after 9/11, Todd joined the Army. It was a complete surprise. I was delighted. He had been going in the wrong direction. His liberal, sprout-eating girlfriend had tried to turn him into a sissy. Thank God he finally wised up and got rid of her.

Yes sir, my son is a sergeant with the elite 101st Airborne Division, the “Screaming Eagles.” He’s at the forefront of the War. Unfortunately he was wounded last week. I don’t think it’s too bad, though, and he got a Purple Heart out of it. Todd is coming home as a decorated war hero!

Soldiering is the noblest of professions. There is no higher calling. When I was Todd’s age I wanted to be a soldier but unfortunately my congenital heart condition made it impossible – too bad. Bonnie says I’m living vicariously through our son. I don’t know about that, but I do know that fighting for your country is the most selfless and honorable thing you can do.

Yesterday’s sermon was entitled ‘Fighting For God!’ Our minister, Dr. Montague, expounded on the arduous task of ridding the world of evil and fighting for peace in the name of God. He went on to explain that brave young men and women in the service of our country were also in the service of the Lord. And no sacrifice is greater or more meaningful than giving one’s life for God and Country.

I believe that we, as citizens of the greatest nation on Earth, have a moral and spiritual duty to kill terrorists and bomb the hell out of rogue nations that harbor them. We must protect our freedom and our worldwide business concerns; and defend our way of life and our foreign policies. Each one of us should stand behind our President and pray that he and his illustrious cabinet prosecute this war to the fullest extent, to the best of their abilities. Any American who publicly opposes this administration is a traitor or, at the very least, unpatriotic.

A true patriot stands behind his country no matter what! If you don’t love America then leave her. And to hell with the United Nations and all those cowards who don’t go along with us. We are the mightiest nation the world has ever known and we got that way because God shed His grace on us. We have divine authority to preemptively attack any damn country, any damn time! And furthermore…

Ho, ho, ho! There’s the doorbell. I wonder who that could be?

I waltz to the front door, with sugarplums dancing in my head. I merrily unlock it and swing it open. To my great surprise, two stern-looking Army officers are staring at me. The older one has crosses on his lapels. The smile instantly evaporates from my face. My mind races back to the time a stranger came to this very door and told me that a car had hit my little boy. I feel faint.

My heart is pounding as I try to comprehend what this God-damned liar is telling me.